I just don't know what to do with myself. Tofu is gone. Sweet Tofu. She was in so much pain and now she's not. It's so weird without her here. She's always been happy to see me and the lovey headbutts, and the tofu time and the no fun with out tofu, and what is it tofu and you scared em off girl, good job. All of it. Gone. It's sad. I didn't think I would be as sad as I am. I'm totally relieved for her, but I'm sad for the loss.
I've had so many fabricated shitty feelings in my life in the last few years that it's interesting to really feel the sadness of real sadness. Real loss and betrayal or abandonment or fear. The unknown is scary shit. But there's been a lot of hope too. It's just really hard to see sometimes.
There's been a lot of loss lately. Lots of doors closing. Not many windows following. There's a good chance with Airbnb. Legit. That's my one ray of hope at the moment. But I don't know what I'm going to do when I get there. That's the scariest fucking part. If I do get it, I know exactly what to do and that part of life is fine, but now... omg. The craziest of unknowns is upon me. I'm going to leave friends behind, not as far this time at least, but starting over is good. Saying goodbye is good too.
Andrew weighs on my mind heavily, but not in the ways he used to. I just miss the good things now and am really beginning to understand why this is so good for both of us. I really look around and see that he has no action moving on his plan. He's still got a car in pieces. He's got a lot of garbage and bull shit built up. My shit is contained and ready to move out. I'm ready to go, I just have no finances. I will soon enough. And I'll know soon enough on what I'm going to do.
Airbnb would be a tremendous new start for me. I've realized that I have the ability to do something incredible. I have the opportunity really help people in shitty situations that need decisions made. I can pull those punches. That's such an adult job. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Plus the benefits and pay are comparable to what I currently get. Then there's the added benefit of breakfast and lunch and I guess sometimes dinner too. Happy hour, networking, team building, fun while working hard, actually. I'm going to put together my interview preparedness notes and kill it. I'm getting out of this town. I'm getting out of this rut.
I'm so excited to discover a new city and people and things to do. I want to find a passion I love beyond baking. I want to create something else more tangible. Writing get's it all out, but I want to make something. I'll have a great chance to do that.
But even with writing, I can become a travel writer. That would be amazing. I have so many places I want to go now, the opportunities presented are amazing. I can stay in the most elaborate or tiny place. I can still try to go to East Berlin. I can meet friends in new places, maybe even get a place that's big enough to host myself. Get new things to make my house a home and a lovely place to be. Something I'm proud to call home. I've felt so grossed out by the way Andrew and I have lived that I'm really ready to make my space happy and healthy.
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