My oral surgery turned me into a raving lunatic yesterday. I barely remember things said or how I got home, and getting weird wanting to talk about feelings and losing it.
He was so nice taking are of me yesterday. He didn't have to, but he did. It shows he cares.
However, I'm pretty sure it's over for good. He has a pretty serious goal of being a comedian and isn't sure I'm going to be ok with that. Honestly, he's right. I wouldn't be. Comedians are dicks. Now he's one too. (Comedian or dick, doesn't matter, interchangeable.) I have to start using my normal coping mechanism. I have to hate him silently until it sinks in that I can't have him anymore. He keeps saying it's not one or the other right now, but I can't believe that. It fucks with me too much. My heart is in so much pain.
Then! I have my head pain from getting 4 broken teeth pulled out of my face. Not to mention I spent all night barfing up blood, bile and pus from the drainage. The dr. said there would be draining, but I didn't know it was going to stay in me. All night I wretched, and then again this morning. I'm afraid to take my antibiotics and other medications cause I'm not sure if they're conflicting or making me barf or what it is. I haven't puked again since this morning, but I've def. been queasy all day.
Now the diarrhea happens. The bottle of antibiotics says it can happen. Can and did. Really?! After all the shit I'm dealing with this week, I gotta get the mud butt action too? This sucks so much right now.
Everytime I talk to him I think I'll find a way to convince him, or find out he's changed his mind and does want to work it out. He doesn't. He won't. It's over. I need to stop wasting time being hopeful. I need to focus on myself. It's so hard when my heart is hurting and he's in the same house. Thankfully he's in the basement most of the time, but it's still fucking hard to not go down there and scream about how much I love him and want to fix things. He's just not there. "We got to this point in different ways" he said. I know that means we don't feel the same about it.
I have to remember all the times I felt like he wasn't listening and not thoughtful. I have to remember all the times that he said he would do things, did them for a week and then quit. I have to remember how scary of a driver he is. I have to remember how easy it is for him to lose his temper and react in a big scary way. I have to remember that he's a terrible kisser, regardless of how hard he can make me cum. I have to remember how burps and farts just fall out of him. I have to remember that he's a teenager. I have to remember the way he does the breathing thing like his mother. I have to remember all the money he's spent on himself instead of putting it towards us. I have to remember how I hate that he never throws anything away and leaves dirty dishes and trash just piled up. I have to remember that I was always wrong in the arguments, and that if I had a valid point it was always turned around on me. He's always been more focused on himself. I don't do much on my own, so I get it, but he could have done more. A lot more. I want to get back to me. I want to feel like I matter again and I'm not second tier to anyone or anything. I have to remember that there are other fish in the sea.
And most importantly, I have to remember to forget him and remember me.
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