Packing

I pack a little, I cry a little. It's really sad how unmotivated I am to move forward. Why do I keep clinging to this shitty part of my life that I looked to for joy, but only brought me disappointment??

Talking with my best friend always helps. She reminded me that it's bullshit to think this is all my fault. He was really good at always turning things around on me. Even this to an extent. He'll say he's not innocent but not talk about his contributions to this making me feel like I'm the one to blame, which is pretty fucking mean. She made the point that I was pretty clear on what I needed to feel secure in the relationship before I lost myself. He didn't budge. He barely went out of the comfort zone of his box for what was needed in this relationship. He really didn't care. I told him once upon a time that he didn't want a girlfriend, he just had one. I think that statement was true. He didn't really work at it to keep me. He took care of the big things, but it was the little things that I felt showed he cared on any random day would have been easy to do. Even in his own way. Which he did, sometimes, but not really. When he did the traditional lovey things it was as if to go through the motions, like birthdays, anniversary's and such. I deserve someone who wants to celebrate me all the time instead of just when the calendar says so.

Six years is a long time to be with one person. Was it all a waste of time? In a way I feel like it kind of was because we never addressed anything. We didn't care enough about each other to make a firm statement on anything ever. We were wishy washy the whole time. what the fuck was i thinking? I don't know if I'm more disappointed in myself or in him? Probably myself. I feel like I always saw this coming but didn't want to believe it. We got along so well at so many times and when it was good, it was really good. But I always felt like I was second. I never felt like he put me first. I always put him first. He put himself first. He put tofu first. He put his hobbies first. He immerses himself in whatever he's got going on every time. He gets sucked in, like I'm sucked into this bullshit feeling now. Only I can escape. Andrew doesn't want a partner, he wants a pocket pussy. Something he can stick it in, when he's done watching tv and playing with his latest obsession. Some pussy that doesn't care that getting off is what gets him off, so he's gonna make it happen, so he can make it happen for himself. I know that sounds pretty good considering what's out there, but really, wanting to share that experience with someone, but they take it away because it's what turns them on is pretty selfish, even if it is making you cum first. There was always this internal struggle of competition between us all the time. Constant bickering and blame. Constant head butting. So much. I thought that wasn't supposed to happen until way later. I remember saying a long time ago that I thought a good loving relationship wasn't THAT much hard work. I know it's hard work, but maybe we forced it. He says no. I didn't force the whole thing and he wouldn't have stayed anymore if he didn't want to. Well I guess he doesn't want to anymore because he's done talking about it and done trying to work at it. I need to get back there. I've been there a million times before, but not because it's not my idea, I don't want it. I should have stuck to my guns a long time ago, and just moved into a separate place instead of this place. We could have salvaged something maybe, or gone our separate ways without as much heart ache. We wouldn't have wasted this extra time/money on the wrong thing.

He just wanted to be a part of my life during the good parts. He stuck by me when I didn't have job, but he had to. Even when he didn't have to I guess, but he still liked me. He wanted to stick around. Now he wants his own thing. I have to want mine too, but I don't know what that is. I have to get settled in the short term before I make any major decisions for the long term. I just want to run away from all of it. I don't even know if California is where I want to be. I loved it down there, but I don't know that it's what I had in mind for my future. I don't know that I thought it out that far, and he mentioned it so I thought it was cool. Something to do until retirement. I could still be into the beach everyday, but it would be weird to still do that without him. It's a shared dream that's lost forever now.

I need to pack. I'm just going around in circles.