Just Sad.

I spent a lot of good time going over my worksheet yesterday, like 3 or 4 times. I worked out a lot of the jealousy involved in the situation and while it's still there it's not as prominent.

Now I'm just sad because I know it my heart that it's all over. It's just sad to think that this has come to an end this way. It's not as bad as it could be, but it's still uncomfortable. It would be so much easier if either of us could just bolt and be out of each others space. There are times when we do that, but knowing he's in the basement makes me weak and want to go to him and hug him non-stop.

Thinking about it makes my skin burn. Thinking back on all the conversations we've had and all my attempts to continue working on it because now it's all out in the open just makes me sad. I know it can't be that way and us move forward in the ways we need to. I know that we can't snuggle and be split. The whole thing makes me dizzy and want to go hide in bed.

I can't do that. I have to keep going and look to the future. I have to stay positive and focused on what happens for me next. Airbnb is a huge goal that I think I have a super chance at getting. I keep reviewing what they've sent me to review and what they've spelled out as their process. I'm excited and nervous about meeting them tomorrow, but know I can make a smart impression and give them the sense I belong there. I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to discuss my future but I'm interested to see if I make it to the next round. If I do and I make it through that round, I'm in.

I need this win. I've been thinking about it for a long time and finally decided to go for it. Now that I'm looking into it and reviewing the possibilities, I feel more than just hopeful for the future. If I get hired on, I plan to travel, alone if necessary, to visit areas of the world I never thought I could get to. The other thing that's cool, is that it's all about the sense of community. If I get this, I'm about to jump into a world of community and connections. I'm a social person who loves to meet and mingle. This just feels like a great opportunity to reconnect with myself in that way. To be less of a shut in and more of a reach out. The idea of taking on Portland is exciting because of all the different vintage shops. I could redefine my style and get myself back in that way too. Being in the corporate slog, all my clothes are super business-y now and I don't have much fun casual attire. I want to be a stylish girl again with funky patterns that don't match but totally work.

Discovering a new city in general just sounds refreshing. The ability to create new memories and meet new people and discover things I enjoy that I never even considered just makes me feel like it's so close. C'mon universe. Let's make this happen and create a new life. I need a new life, new town, new job, new purpose.