moving forward

It's not ok. It's better, but not ok. admitting to each other exactly what was missing, what had happened, what had almost happened, and how hard it would be to mend it all just makes me want to fight harder.

Either way it's going to be tough. We're going to make it or we're not. Still probably not. There's a lot of shit. A lot of mis-trust. A lot of no trust. How does that build again? How does that move forward? It doesn't really matter because it's all about what I need. He can get what he needs else where, and I can too.

I have to provide myself the strength, courage, and willingness to continue. I have to. I'm miserable if I don't. I can't blame the outlying impacts, I can only blame myself.  I gave up on myself years ago, and it's time to get that back. It's time to be myself and understand who I am once again.

Once I start to encompass myself, I can do anything I want. I can go anywhere, and accomplish anything. Hell I can do that now as lost as I am. But it would be better to establish more before I go. I need to continue my walks. They feel good and right now, but I know in a week I'll feel lazy again, and I have to fight that shit. I have to fight satan. I have to fight the evil that keeps me down. Talking with a professional will help, but I can't expect that to fix everything. It's not going to. It's going to be a long ass road with a lot of hills. I hate hills. I hate walking up them, but in terms of personal strength, I'm ready. I'm ready to move forward.

He may or may not be at my side in a legitimate way. If not it's ok. Feeling like he could be, makes me feel stronger. Knowing how good he is and how terrible I've been just makes me want to fight myself. It could better him, but it's not for him, it's for me. If he's interested because of that work, then that's cool, but it's just a bonus, not the goal.

There is no goal. Self improvement and constantly learning and building is the best thing to take out of life. Living life. Being one with the world and knowing you can do anything in it. I'm gonna make my own happiness and if He's a part of that, great, but it's not the goal.

Writing feels good. Keep it up. Keep it up all week, everyday write a little bit for yourself and a little bit for your project. Start with yourself for now. Keep you blogger going and don't give a shit who reads.

Don't sabotage yourself.  Be a warrior, fight hard, get the war face and fucking show it at the evil in your life. Don't be a victim. Be a hero. Embrace your gift. Share it. Be a writer, that's who you are.