The worksheet helps. Sometimes it lessens the pit in my stomach, and sometimes it goes away completely. This last work through, I don't feel that much better, but I think it's just because I'm actually coming to grips with my reality.
Ok, so let's back up a bit. My therapist gives me a list of cognitive distortions. Out of a list of 16 I identify with like 13 of them. Seriously. So with the self knowledge that I am actually a bit crazy, it's time to work through that shit.
Following the list of cognitive distortions is a spreadsheet of questions. It starts you off working through whatever is on your mind, why, what it does to you physically, how much you believe it, how it ties in with the previous list, and much much more. There's a section of subquestions just for one of the others. Then at the end you reevaluate it all and how you feel to see if it helped, I guess.
Most of the time it does. But this time I'm still left with the same issue. It's over and I'm fucking sad about it. I see clearly how it got so bad, and how a lot of it are my distortions. I have to remember not to blame myself and that this could have, potentially should have happened years ago. I have to remember that just because everything is out it doesn't make it ok, or easy. It's not so simple to just forget about the past when nothing has been done for so long. He said he believes that he could be interested in me again some day and that I just don't know that until I find myself.
I'm working real hard on the goal of Airbnb for many reasons. It's a new fresh start in a few different ways, which would be what I need to readjust to my reality. To readjust to myself. I can't think of it as running away. I'm not. I'm learning from experience, not even failed experience, but just the whole shebang of life since I've been here, and maybe this is my opportunity to move on. If I get this "out," I'm taking it.
I've felt that way before. I felt that way when I left Richmond. It was so hard to leave behind my friends and loved ones, but oh so necessary. I haven't looked back, until recently. And only because I was lost and didn't know what else to do. Now I have a plan A and a plan B.
Plan A is Airbnb. I want that more than anything. More than Andrew back in my life. More than being skinny. More than finding love again. More than ANYTHING. I've been thinking about applying to them for so fucking long because I hate where I am now. I hate my job, but love my company. Whenever I try to change my job, I get shot down. I want out of the super strict corporate environment and something that's fun and alive and modern. Corporate affairs seem so dated. Making things interesting and more personable sounds like a win. Less rules and metrics, more putting the customer first in a real way. Less phone time, more research. I like that shit. Plus my job is about to be a shit storm. I really don't want to have to deal with all of that.
Plan B is I continue to deal with my shitty job, but at least have a nice place to live closer to work, with a good person. We could be very good for each other in many ways, and that's exciting. What's not exciting is still having to be in the same job.
My plans are good and in place. Moving will be easy and it recently dawned on me that I can leave after I pay rent for the last time next month. That's fucking exciting as shit. I can get a jump on getting out and not have to deal with this but for so much longer. I know he's trying to be out in Sept. but I don't really see that happening. He's selling his shit which is good, but I have no idea how he's gonna get everything done in time without working at it a little every day.
That's the one thing I'm not going to miss. The mess. All of it. From the collections, to the garbage, to the dishes. Just all of the wasted space and grossness, just gone. I'm not going to have to deal with any of his shit. That's all him. I'm going to be a deft mover and have it all ready to go. It's almost there now. I just have to motivate myself for the rest of it. Which is difficult at this point. It's only been a few weeks since the shit hit the fan, but it feels like it's been forever because we still have be around each other. I just want to sleep through the next month and a half.
I have to remember that nothing has changed. Nothing. It's still all systems go. I'm a single gal again and I gotta get my shit together.
No comments:
Post a Comment