Meds

I was always proud of myself for being one of those people that didn't need medication... Didn't being the operative word there.

Yesterday my dr. gave me some medication for my anxiety and concentration. It's weird being medicated pharmaceutically. I think I feel better, but part of me feels like I'm faking it. I'm taking the easy route. I guess not if my dr. thinks I need them. He's the professional and seems to know me well enough to advise.

I'm not sure about calling that shrink back that didn't call me for a week. His vm said he was on vacation, and I would get 3 or more free visits, which could be handy. Alright I'll call him now...

2412 n 30th st. 102
old town upper lot - clipboard 7 pm tues 12th

That's my appt. for next week. I should arrive before 7. That clip board has shit for me to complete on it. I'm gonna see what he's like and then maybe stick around if he's good. Dr. arnette said to try and find a lady cause they have more depth. But I had a really cool male therapist as a kid and I don't really have a problem with men. It might help to get a man's perspective on this shit anyway. I'm focusing too much on it. Again.

Things I want to do with myself.
Get out of this house. As soon as my rent drops significantly, I can go to PT to keep my benefits and get another more fulfilling job to take up my time, or give me more time. I miss my social life like crazy. I think that's a big part of why I'm bummed all the time. I want to go and have fun, but I'm stuck being a responsible ramona, and can't go and do the things I want. I should want to do other things rather than go sing karaoke, but it's fun!  I practice and have fun with it. I really like blowing minds. If anything, that's the one area in life that I feel I have a lot of confidence. It doesn't matter what happens on stage as long as I own it.

I miss performing in general. I've thought so much about burlesque for so long. I don't really have that kind of time to dedicate to it. And I can't use my sewing maching - just cause I don't know how. But if I live with Alegra, I bet I'll find out.

He went to his parents house today. I wonder what he told them. I don't want to ask because I don't want him to think I care. I do though. I wonder if he's gonna move back in with them? I wonder what happens after this? I don't know if I feel so sad because I know I fucked up or because I really let a good one get fucked up by being too prideful.

I mean he wasn't a saint. He's not easy to talk to. He gets so defensive so easily and it's hard to bring up anything meaningful. I may have told him about my biznass if he were a little less scary to approach. Everything is a big ass sigh, followed by a giant defensive strategy to destroy any point I try to make by turning it back around on me. I apologized for so many arguments over the years and never was really listened to. I would tell him what I needed and he would try for like a week, then give it up. Like oh, i did it, she should be happy for a while. But then never remember to come back to it. He's always so distracted by whatever project he has going on that it's like fuck everything else, my tri-copter needs me!

I feel so incredibly bad for being honest, but he needed to know the truth. I don't think I made it better, he thought it was older than it was. But I just hope he understands that it was a moment of weakness and pain. I felt that he abandoned me in a serious time of need when dad died. I think that may have to do with my issues of coping with his death overall. Not to blame him for how I reacted, but he did have a part in that perfect storm for me.

But you know what just hit me? What's to say that he wouldn't do that again? How can I trust that he would actually be there for me if he can't even be there when my fucking dad dies?! I know money is tight, it's always tight, but he could have pulled some kind of strings. He didn't even try.  I think that's why I was so mad when I got back from camping. I saw a connection in the two instances. I felt like I had a crazy emotional day and he wasn't there to comfort me when I got home, he was in bed sleeping like it was just a normal ole day. I just thought he would have been happier to see me. Give me a big hug and say "I'm glad you're home safe baby, I'm sorry you had a rough day." but nope. in bed. I totally overreacted. I know that. I just had a crazy day. He didn't want to know anything about the trip. I knew there was something wrong. I knew it definetly the next day. I couldn't keep it to myself and thus we're off to the races.

I'm glad all of this came out. I feel relieved I don't have to hold that in anymore. I feel like I have to work on my jealousy and confidence. I think once the confidence is more established, the jealousy will be less of a problem. Now I just feel spent. I've cried so much writing this out today.

I'm still scared to talk to him about things like this. I just see the same old reactions coming up and happening all over again. I should tell him that.