The Pixies, LOUD.

I'm really happy today because I can fit into some pants I haven't been able to for a while.

I've been really sad about Andrew lately, and it helps to not think about it. I'm trying to find myself a distraction and keep myself busy. I've been doing yoga, sticking to my diet and working on my shit. I'm proud as hell of myself.

To celebrate I got a german meat sandwich with butter, two bee stings and a plum tart.

I'm gonna have a tasty day if nothing else. The fitting into the pants gave me a boost in confidence that makes me not wanna do anything but have a good time. I don't know where the good times are! They certainly aren't here.

I want Portland to work. I want to discover and play and explore. I want to meet people I want to dive in. I wanna keep up with my good life changes. I wanna smoke weed. I've been thinking about what I want in a man too. Things that I'm not so stoked on with andrew. Things I'm not gonna miss. Sleep is difficult. It's ok. I'm feeling better lately and that's good stuff.

I'm just proud of my shit. Proud of my work paying off

The job interview that didn't happen... yet

They're rescheduling my interview. I know I didn't do anything wrong but I'm still disappointed. I studied and prepped so hard. I was so ready. Only a tiny bit nervous, but confident. It's ok. I'm still on for Wednesday and I'll be rescheduled. The job still starts on the same day and I have an opportunity to look patient. Which I'm totally not, but can learn again.

I'm just disappointed.

It's just so cold.

Maybe that's what he needs but it's pretty fucked up.

Tofu and really losing things good in life...

I just don't know what to do with myself. Tofu is gone. Sweet Tofu. She was in so much pain and now she's not. It's so weird without her here. She's always been happy to see me and the lovey headbutts, and the tofu time and the no fun with out tofu, and what is it tofu and you scared em off girl, good job. All of it. Gone. It's sad. I didn't think I would be as sad as I am. I'm totally relieved for her, but I'm sad for the loss.

I've had so many fabricated shitty feelings in my life in the last few years that it's interesting to really feel the sadness of real sadness. Real loss and betrayal or abandonment or fear. The unknown is scary shit. But there's been a lot of hope too. It's just really hard to see sometimes.

There's been a lot of loss lately. Lots of doors closing. Not many windows following. There's a good chance with Airbnb. Legit. That's my one ray of hope at the moment. But I don't know what I'm going to do when I get there. That's the scariest fucking part. If I do get it, I know exactly what to do and that part of life is fine, but now... omg. The craziest of unknowns is upon me. I'm going to leave friends behind, not as far this time at least, but starting over is good. Saying goodbye is good too.

Andrew weighs on my mind heavily, but not in the ways he used to. I just miss the good things now and am really beginning to understand why this is so good for both of us. I really look around and see that he has no action moving on his plan. He's still got a car in pieces. He's got a lot of garbage and bull shit built up. My shit is contained and ready to move out. I'm ready to go, I just have no finances. I will soon enough. And I'll know soon enough on what I'm going to do.

Airbnb would be a tremendous new start for me. I've realized that I have the ability to do something incredible. I have the opportunity really help people in shitty situations that need decisions made. I can pull those punches. That's such an adult job. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Plus the benefits and pay are comparable to what I currently get. Then there's the added benefit of breakfast and lunch and I guess sometimes dinner too. Happy hour, networking, team building, fun while working hard, actually. I'm going to put together my interview preparedness notes and kill it. I'm getting out of this town. I'm getting out of this rut.

I'm so excited to discover a new city and people and things to do. I want to find a passion I love beyond baking. I want to create something else more tangible. Writing get's it all out, but I want to make something. I'll have a great chance to do that.

But even with writing, I can become a travel writer. That would be amazing. I have so many places I want to go now, the opportunities presented are amazing. I can stay in the most elaborate or tiny place. I can still try to go to East Berlin. I can meet friends in new places, maybe even get a place that's big enough to host myself. Get new things to make my house a home and a lovely place to be. Something I'm proud to call home. I've felt so grossed out by the way Andrew and I have lived that I'm really ready to make my space happy and healthy.

The other switch.

I haven't really been receptive lately. I need to remember I'm not the only one dealing with shit. He is too. I feel bad for being such a brat, but now I can show that I'm not that person and start to find myself again. He's got a lot more on his plate than I do. He's not so much a planner, but rather a last minuter. And that's cool for him, but not for me. I'm happy that I have plans. I'm happy I have support and friends and family that care. I'm glad I'm walking on my own and going to therapy and embracing it! My therapist was really happy with how I've utilized my worksheet. He was surprised at how negative it was at first and how I talked myself out of it through writing it out. I'm taking the right steps to get good with myself and set my life up for happiness. I don't need a man, and I don't need anyone but myself. I feel like I've been wanting to start over for a long time, and now's my chance. I'm actually pretty excited about it. I think for a long time I've been unhappy and happiness is out there for me. I think I've driven him away, and it's understandable, it's inevitable for a situation like ours. It's ok. I'm doing alright. I need to stop trying to be so nice to him. He's right, I shouldn't be so accommodating, but I can't help it. I still really care and there's no ulterior motive and we've split. I don't really wanna snuggle him anymore. And I'm ok with not hugging him today. I would rather he reach out if he wants. I'm always going to want to while I'm around him, and I have to control myself. Tomorrow is going to be hard for him, whether he believes that or not. I will be here for him, but it's not going to change anything. Plans have been set into motion. I'm ready to gtfo, regardless if it's Portland or Kent. I'm definitely nervous about what I'm going to do about a living situation in Portland, but I know I can figure it out. At least the first week would be in San Fran, but I'll still be broke as hell. Transitions are difficult, but make you stronger. I'm gonna bounce back so hard from this it's going to be amazing. I can see it now. Even if I don't get that job, which I truly feel for the first time that I've got this, that living with Sara would be a great thing for me too. I'll miss my Tacoma friends, but I'll still get to see them. I know that once I get settled, wherever it may be, I'll feel better about life. I kind of already do.

He's so done with me.

I know he doesn't care anymore. He's finding it increasingly difficult for me to deal with this. I can't help myself from trying to talk about my feelings. He's sleeping on the couch now it bothers him or me so much. I have to think of him as a roommate and not as an ex lover. It's just too hard otherwise. All I keep thinking is that the last 6 years meant nothing because he's moved on so soon. I have too many personal problems and he doesn't want to stick around for that anymore. Now that I'm working on it, he's done. "It took this for you to get there. You were too complacent." So I guess that's it. I was too complacent therefor there's no need to care anymore. No need to deal with the unknown and just move forward into it. I so don't want this. I want to work it out. There's no need for that want anymore. I have to erase him from my heart like he did to me.

Just Sad.

I spent a lot of good time going over my worksheet yesterday, like 3 or 4 times. I worked out a lot of the jealousy involved in the situation and while it's still there it's not as prominent.

Now I'm just sad because I know it my heart that it's all over. It's just sad to think that this has come to an end this way. It's not as bad as it could be, but it's still uncomfortable. It would be so much easier if either of us could just bolt and be out of each others space. There are times when we do that, but knowing he's in the basement makes me weak and want to go to him and hug him non-stop.

Thinking about it makes my skin burn. Thinking back on all the conversations we've had and all my attempts to continue working on it because now it's all out in the open just makes me sad. I know it can't be that way and us move forward in the ways we need to. I know that we can't snuggle and be split. The whole thing makes me dizzy and want to go hide in bed.

I can't do that. I have to keep going and look to the future. I have to stay positive and focused on what happens for me next. Airbnb is a huge goal that I think I have a super chance at getting. I keep reviewing what they've sent me to review and what they've spelled out as their process. I'm excited and nervous about meeting them tomorrow, but know I can make a smart impression and give them the sense I belong there. I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to discuss my future but I'm interested to see if I make it to the next round. If I do and I make it through that round, I'm in.

I need this win. I've been thinking about it for a long time and finally decided to go for it. Now that I'm looking into it and reviewing the possibilities, I feel more than just hopeful for the future. If I get hired on, I plan to travel, alone if necessary, to visit areas of the world I never thought I could get to. The other thing that's cool, is that it's all about the sense of community. If I get this, I'm about to jump into a world of community and connections. I'm a social person who loves to meet and mingle. This just feels like a great opportunity to reconnect with myself in that way. To be less of a shut in and more of a reach out. The idea of taking on Portland is exciting because of all the different vintage shops. I could redefine my style and get myself back in that way too. Being in the corporate slog, all my clothes are super business-y now and I don't have much fun casual attire. I want to be a stylish girl again with funky patterns that don't match but totally work.

Discovering a new city in general just sounds refreshing. The ability to create new memories and meet new people and discover things I enjoy that I never even considered just makes me feel like it's so close. C'mon universe. Let's make this happen and create a new life. I need a new life, new town, new job, new purpose.

The worksheet.

The worksheet helps. Sometimes it lessens the pit in my stomach, and sometimes it goes away completely. This last work through, I don't feel that much better, but I think it's just because I'm actually coming to grips with my reality.

Ok, so let's back up a bit. My therapist gives me a list of cognitive distortions. Out of a list of 16 I identify with like 13 of them. Seriously. So with the self knowledge that I am actually a bit crazy, it's time to work through that shit.

Following the list of cognitive distortions is a spreadsheet of questions. It starts you off working through whatever is on your mind, why, what it does to you physically, how much you believe it, how it ties in with the previous list, and much much more. There's a section of subquestions just for one of the others. Then at the end you reevaluate it all and how you feel to see if it helped, I guess.

Most of the time it does. But this time I'm still left with the same issue. It's over and I'm fucking sad about it. I see clearly how it got so bad, and how a lot of it are my distortions.  I have to remember not to blame myself and that this could have, potentially should have happened years ago. I have to remember that just because everything is out it doesn't make it ok, or easy. It's not so simple to just forget about the past when nothing has been done for so long. He said he believes that he could be interested in me again some day and that I just don't know that until I find myself.

I'm working real hard on the goal of Airbnb for many reasons. It's a new fresh start in a few different ways, which would be what I need to readjust to my reality. To readjust to myself. I can't think of it as running away. I'm not. I'm learning from experience, not even failed experience, but just the whole shebang of life since I've been here, and maybe this is my opportunity to move on.  If I get this "out," I'm taking it.

I've felt that way before. I felt that way when I left Richmond. It was so hard to leave behind my friends and loved ones, but oh so necessary.  I haven't looked back, until recently.  And only because I was lost and didn't know what else to do.  Now I have a plan A and a plan B.

Plan A is Airbnb. I want that more than anything. More than Andrew back in my life. More than being skinny. More than finding love again. More than ANYTHING. I've been thinking about applying to them for so fucking long because I hate where I am now. I hate my job, but love my company. Whenever I try to change my job, I get shot down. I want out of the super strict corporate environment and something that's fun and alive and modern. Corporate affairs seem so dated. Making things interesting and more personable sounds like a win. Less rules and metrics, more putting the customer first in a real way. Less phone time, more research. I like that shit. Plus my job is about to be a shit storm. I really don't want to have to deal with all of that.

Plan B is I continue to deal with my shitty job, but at least have a nice place to live closer to work, with a good person. We could be very good for each other in many ways, and that's exciting.  What's not exciting is still having to be in the same job.

My plans are good and in place. Moving will be easy and it recently dawned on me that I can leave after I pay rent for the last time next month. That's fucking exciting as shit. I can get a jump on getting out and not have to deal with this but for so much longer. I know he's trying to be out in Sept. but I don't really see that happening. He's selling his shit which is good, but I have no idea how he's gonna get everything done in time without working at it a little every day.

That's the one thing I'm not going to miss. The mess. All of it. From the collections, to the garbage, to the dishes. Just all of the wasted space and grossness, just gone. I'm not going to have to deal with any of his shit. That's all him. I'm going to be a deft mover and have it all ready to go. It's almost there now. I just have to motivate myself for the rest of it. Which is difficult at this point. It's only been a few weeks since the shit hit the fan, but it feels like it's been forever because we still have be around each other. I just want to sleep through the next month and a half.

I have to remember that nothing has changed. Nothing. It's still all systems go. I'm a single gal again and I gotta get my shit together.

The switch.

It's turned way the fuck off now. I know I'm not supposed to think about it, but god damn, how can I not?

Whoever had propositioned him previously, is a friend from a long time ago. He's seen her since. He says no relations have happened, but it's "none of your fucking business." Which is true. I suppose. But finding out more has made it easier to let go. It wasn't easy to hear. Sure is hell isn't easy to deal with. But he says that nothing has changed, and he still feels like he doesn't know what he wants/needs/himself. If that's the case, why is he establishing something with someone else.

First of all, he says, I don't know what he's dealing with or what's actually going on and he won't be telling me anything else about it.
Second of all, he says, the issues with us are primarily issues I have to deal with in myself. So he can handle exploring whatever this is.
Third of all, he says, this person and him have "something" that we don't. He doesn't know what that means, or what it is, but that's what he has to figure out.

When I found out that they were still in contact and that he was still seeing her, I freaked out. I thought he had to figure out how he felt. He said "what else did you think I meant?" I didn't know. That's why I asked if it was a random thing or a built thing. So if it was built up, I would know that I'm out of the picture. Finding out the truth of all that makes me feel like I'm out of the picture.

Which I should have been thinking anyway. This whole time I've been working on myself I've had it my head that we could still work it out if he could just see. Now I know that was naive of me to believe. There's nothing. He says to not think of it as he met someone else and that's why this is over. He said the feeling he had with her was a wake up call to realize he wasn't happy, and now he has to figure out why. But if he's still pursuing whatever he has with this person, then I feel like it's pretty obvious that I'm the reason he was unhappy. And now that there's a sparkle with someone else, it's simple. He still says it's not that simple, but I think once we no longer live together it will be really simple and he'll forget all about me. "I can't forget about you." Well duh, but you can move on faster with the distraction of someone else dick.

Before I didn't want to jump to my coping mechanism of hate, but now it's hard not to. I feel like crying and that my heart is actually broken. This changes everything for me. There's no more glimmer of hope. There's no more.

I don't know who can see this.

If I know you, and you aren't the one person I gave permission to read this to, then I want you to know something.  This is none of your business. If I don't know you and  this is some random  blog, then I appreciate your interest in my mind barfing. AND If I know you AND you're interested in my mind barfing, please tell me how you found this so I can make sure he doesn't find it... if he already hasn't.

It's not for anyone but me, so keep that in mind when you review my "drivel."

It's fucking not fair. I want to be able to say that we never really gave it a chance because we never said any of this stuff before. And now that it's on the table, you want to fucking quit. Just give up like that, and say forget it, I've hit my wall. You say this isn't easy for you and you wish you could just go with your gut instincts and say everything is going to be ok, and work it out, but oh no! Too many people walk over you that you can't give the woman who gave you some of her best years another chance now that the air is clear?! Fucking really?! I don't know that it would survive, there's a lot of bull shit in the way, and I'm not denying that, but to say that we've given it all we got is just bullshit.

I don't want this, but I have no say in the matter at this point.

I've got a place to go, most of my shit packed (already) and two months to fucking wait it out, take my meds and try not to be angry the whole time. Yesterday was a good day, today isn't bad, but it's weird. There's fucking tension, and I can tell it's on me, but that's ok man, that's just how I feel right now. I can't deny how I feel or be told not to feel a certain way anymore. I can't be told to calm down all the time when something is actually bothering me. I deserve to be heard, AND listened to. I deserve someone who does more than just what he thinks he can handle, and not go out of the box.

I still fucking care too!! God damn it that's annoying. Living with someone when you're no longer together is complete fucking balls. So many mixed emotions, sadness, tears, jealousy, etc. It fucking sucks. It could be a lot worse for sure, so I'm thankful it's not the worst, but it's not great. God Damn It!

Anger.

I have to say it's pretty fucked up to give up now while all things are out on the table. You didn't want to share in the good and the bad, just the good. There were times where you were there for the bad, but only by circumstance. Now instead of seeing whether we really have what it takes, it's time to quit. I know my part in all this, and there were dozens of times I wanted to give up but didn't. Now that I have no choice, I'm completely pissed that it's going down like this. You couldn't give it another chance? At least until we alleviate some of what we know to be a stress on the relationship? You can't pause to think about how you impacted some of the stupid decisions I made and want to try again to be a better boyfriend?  I know you're a good man, but you could have been a better boyfriend. Especially now that I'm about to go through some serious personal changes. I stood by my man... you coulda stood by me. Whatever, it's all over now and there's no going back. You don't want me anymore, and I have to make myself numb to you. Do you know how fucking hard that is?! Not being wanted, and only wanting to love that person so hard? It's fucking not fair. I guess that's how it goes with you. I bring something up that bothers me, and you turn it around so I'm the bad guy. We never talked about anything because you weren't really approachable and you didn't really listen when you were. I don't know why I'm trying to convince myself that it was anything special. I was just a roommate who got to fuck you sometimes. God damn it. I feel like such a fool. I need to turn my happy switch on and fucking forget about you.

Packing

I pack a little, I cry a little. It's really sad how unmotivated I am to move forward. Why do I keep clinging to this shitty part of my life that I looked to for joy, but only brought me disappointment??

Talking with my best friend always helps. She reminded me that it's bullshit to think this is all my fault. He was really good at always turning things around on me. Even this to an extent. He'll say he's not innocent but not talk about his contributions to this making me feel like I'm the one to blame, which is pretty fucking mean. She made the point that I was pretty clear on what I needed to feel secure in the relationship before I lost myself. He didn't budge. He barely went out of the comfort zone of his box for what was needed in this relationship. He really didn't care. I told him once upon a time that he didn't want a girlfriend, he just had one. I think that statement was true. He didn't really work at it to keep me. He took care of the big things, but it was the little things that I felt showed he cared on any random day would have been easy to do. Even in his own way. Which he did, sometimes, but not really. When he did the traditional lovey things it was as if to go through the motions, like birthdays, anniversary's and such. I deserve someone who wants to celebrate me all the time instead of just when the calendar says so.

Six years is a long time to be with one person. Was it all a waste of time? In a way I feel like it kind of was because we never addressed anything. We didn't care enough about each other to make a firm statement on anything ever. We were wishy washy the whole time. what the fuck was i thinking? I don't know if I'm more disappointed in myself or in him? Probably myself. I feel like I always saw this coming but didn't want to believe it. We got along so well at so many times and when it was good, it was really good. But I always felt like I was second. I never felt like he put me first. I always put him first. He put himself first. He put tofu first. He put his hobbies first. He immerses himself in whatever he's got going on every time. He gets sucked in, like I'm sucked into this bullshit feeling now. Only I can escape. Andrew doesn't want a partner, he wants a pocket pussy. Something he can stick it in, when he's done watching tv and playing with his latest obsession. Some pussy that doesn't care that getting off is what gets him off, so he's gonna make it happen, so he can make it happen for himself. I know that sounds pretty good considering what's out there, but really, wanting to share that experience with someone, but they take it away because it's what turns them on is pretty selfish, even if it is making you cum first. There was always this internal struggle of competition between us all the time. Constant bickering and blame. Constant head butting. So much. I thought that wasn't supposed to happen until way later. I remember saying a long time ago that I thought a good loving relationship wasn't THAT much hard work. I know it's hard work, but maybe we forced it. He says no. I didn't force the whole thing and he wouldn't have stayed anymore if he didn't want to. Well I guess he doesn't want to anymore because he's done talking about it and done trying to work at it. I need to get back there. I've been there a million times before, but not because it's not my idea, I don't want it. I should have stuck to my guns a long time ago, and just moved into a separate place instead of this place. We could have salvaged something maybe, or gone our separate ways without as much heart ache. We wouldn't have wasted this extra time/money on the wrong thing.

He just wanted to be a part of my life during the good parts. He stuck by me when I didn't have job, but he had to. Even when he didn't have to I guess, but he still liked me. He wanted to stick around. Now he wants his own thing. I have to want mine too, but I don't know what that is. I have to get settled in the short term before I make any major decisions for the long term. I just want to run away from all of it. I don't even know if California is where I want to be. I loved it down there, but I don't know that it's what I had in mind for my future. I don't know that I thought it out that far, and he mentioned it so I thought it was cool. Something to do until retirement. I could still be into the beach everyday, but it would be weird to still do that without him. It's a shared dream that's lost forever now.

I need to pack. I'm just going around in circles.

ig.nor.him.

SO FUCKING HARD!!!

Portland. Bakery. Not giving a fuck and boys. Alegra, apartment, new start. All over again for yourself, not for him or anybody else. No fresh andrew. only fresh Charlotte.

He never wanted to do anything fun, like go to costume parties or other parties. He would go, then fall asleep. I would get mad because I would have to explain where he was all the time. asleep or working. one or the other, hardly ever with me. And if he was with me, it was like pulling teeth to get him to go in the first place. He didn't even take my to the hospital when I burned my hand. Now there's a big hole on the floor from the burning pot. I'm the one who set it on fire.

I have to turn the switch off. I have to turn my switch on. I should pack up my shit and get out. Pay rent, and Kaitlin to do my floors and the tub. Drop the mic. Outta here.

Heart ache, head pain and diarrhea

My oral surgery turned me into a raving lunatic yesterday. I barely remember things said or how I got home, and getting weird wanting to talk about feelings and losing it.

He was so nice taking are of me yesterday. He didn't have to, but he did. It shows he cares.

However, I'm pretty sure it's over for good. He has a pretty serious goal of being a comedian and isn't sure I'm going to be ok with that. Honestly, he's right. I wouldn't be. Comedians are dicks. Now he's one too. (Comedian or dick, doesn't matter, interchangeable.) I have to start using my normal coping mechanism. I have to hate him silently until it sinks in that I can't have him anymore. He keeps saying it's not one or the other right now, but I can't believe that. It fucks with me too much. My heart is in so much pain.

Then! I have my head pain from getting 4 broken teeth pulled out of my face. Not to mention I spent all night barfing up blood, bile and pus from the drainage. The dr. said there would be draining, but I didn't know it was going to stay in me. All night I wretched, and then again this morning. I'm afraid to take my antibiotics and other medications cause I'm not sure if they're conflicting or making me barf or what it is. I haven't puked again since this morning, but I've def. been queasy all day.

Now the diarrhea happens. The bottle of antibiotics says it can happen. Can and did. Really?! After all the shit I'm dealing with this week, I gotta get the mud butt action too? This sucks so much right now.

Everytime I talk to him I think I'll find a way to convince him, or find out he's changed his mind and does want to work it out.  He doesn't. He won't. It's over. I need to stop wasting time being hopeful. I need to focus on myself. It's so hard when my heart is hurting and he's in the same house. Thankfully he's in the basement most of the time, but it's still fucking hard to not go down there and scream about how much I love him and want to fix things. He's just not there. "We got to this point in different ways" he said. I know that means we don't feel the same about it.

I have to remember all the times I felt like he wasn't listening and not thoughtful. I have to remember all the times that he said he would do things, did them for a week and then quit. I have to remember how scary of a driver he is. I have to remember how easy it is for him to lose his temper and react in a big scary way. I have to remember that he's a terrible kisser, regardless of how hard he can make me cum. I have to remember how burps and farts just fall out of him. I have to remember that he's a teenager. I have to remember the way he does the breathing thing like his mother. I have to remember all the money he's spent on himself instead of putting it towards us. I have to remember how I hate that he never throws anything away and leaves dirty dishes and trash just piled up. I have to remember that I was always wrong in the arguments, and that if I had a valid point it was always turned around on me. He's always been more focused on himself. I don't do much on my own, so I get it, but he could have done more. A lot more. I want to get back to me. I want to feel like I matter again and I'm not second tier to anyone or anything. I have to remember that there are other fish in the sea.

And most importantly, I have to remember to forget him and remember me.

Meds

I was always proud of myself for being one of those people that didn't need medication... Didn't being the operative word there.

Yesterday my dr. gave me some medication for my anxiety and concentration. It's weird being medicated pharmaceutically. I think I feel better, but part of me feels like I'm faking it. I'm taking the easy route. I guess not if my dr. thinks I need them. He's the professional and seems to know me well enough to advise.

I'm not sure about calling that shrink back that didn't call me for a week. His vm said he was on vacation, and I would get 3 or more free visits, which could be handy. Alright I'll call him now...

2412 n 30th st. 102
old town upper lot - clipboard 7 pm tues 12th

That's my appt. for next week. I should arrive before 7. That clip board has shit for me to complete on it. I'm gonna see what he's like and then maybe stick around if he's good. Dr. arnette said to try and find a lady cause they have more depth. But I had a really cool male therapist as a kid and I don't really have a problem with men. It might help to get a man's perspective on this shit anyway. I'm focusing too much on it. Again.

Things I want to do with myself.
Get out of this house. As soon as my rent drops significantly, I can go to PT to keep my benefits and get another more fulfilling job to take up my time, or give me more time. I miss my social life like crazy. I think that's a big part of why I'm bummed all the time. I want to go and have fun, but I'm stuck being a responsible ramona, and can't go and do the things I want. I should want to do other things rather than go sing karaoke, but it's fun!  I practice and have fun with it. I really like blowing minds. If anything, that's the one area in life that I feel I have a lot of confidence. It doesn't matter what happens on stage as long as I own it.

I miss performing in general. I've thought so much about burlesque for so long. I don't really have that kind of time to dedicate to it. And I can't use my sewing maching - just cause I don't know how. But if I live with Alegra, I bet I'll find out.

He went to his parents house today. I wonder what he told them. I don't want to ask because I don't want him to think I care. I do though. I wonder if he's gonna move back in with them? I wonder what happens after this? I don't know if I feel so sad because I know I fucked up or because I really let a good one get fucked up by being too prideful.

I mean he wasn't a saint. He's not easy to talk to. He gets so defensive so easily and it's hard to bring up anything meaningful. I may have told him about my biznass if he were a little less scary to approach. Everything is a big ass sigh, followed by a giant defensive strategy to destroy any point I try to make by turning it back around on me. I apologized for so many arguments over the years and never was really listened to. I would tell him what I needed and he would try for like a week, then give it up. Like oh, i did it, she should be happy for a while. But then never remember to come back to it. He's always so distracted by whatever project he has going on that it's like fuck everything else, my tri-copter needs me!

I feel so incredibly bad for being honest, but he needed to know the truth. I don't think I made it better, he thought it was older than it was. But I just hope he understands that it was a moment of weakness and pain. I felt that he abandoned me in a serious time of need when dad died. I think that may have to do with my issues of coping with his death overall. Not to blame him for how I reacted, but he did have a part in that perfect storm for me.

But you know what just hit me? What's to say that he wouldn't do that again? How can I trust that he would actually be there for me if he can't even be there when my fucking dad dies?! I know money is tight, it's always tight, but he could have pulled some kind of strings. He didn't even try.  I think that's why I was so mad when I got back from camping. I saw a connection in the two instances. I felt like I had a crazy emotional day and he wasn't there to comfort me when I got home, he was in bed sleeping like it was just a normal ole day. I just thought he would have been happier to see me. Give me a big hug and say "I'm glad you're home safe baby, I'm sorry you had a rough day." but nope. in bed. I totally overreacted. I know that. I just had a crazy day. He didn't want to know anything about the trip. I knew there was something wrong. I knew it definetly the next day. I couldn't keep it to myself and thus we're off to the races.

I'm glad all of this came out. I feel relieved I don't have to hold that in anymore. I feel like I have to work on my jealousy and confidence. I think once the confidence is more established, the jealousy will be less of a problem. Now I just feel spent. I've cried so much writing this out today.

I'm still scared to talk to him about things like this. I just see the same old reactions coming up and happening all over again. I should tell him that.

man this is hard

co-existing is hard when everything is fucked. trying to hold onto something good when there's so much bad. There's a shit ton of tension.  I want to reach out to comfort, but I can't. I don't think he's trusting where it comes from. And I don't think I've got the grasp yet either. I need to distance myself a bit.

moving forward

It's not ok. It's better, but not ok. admitting to each other exactly what was missing, what had happened, what had almost happened, and how hard it would be to mend it all just makes me want to fight harder.

Either way it's going to be tough. We're going to make it or we're not. Still probably not. There's a lot of shit. A lot of mis-trust. A lot of no trust. How does that build again? How does that move forward? It doesn't really matter because it's all about what I need. He can get what he needs else where, and I can too.

I have to provide myself the strength, courage, and willingness to continue. I have to. I'm miserable if I don't. I can't blame the outlying impacts, I can only blame myself.  I gave up on myself years ago, and it's time to get that back. It's time to be myself and understand who I am once again.

Once I start to encompass myself, I can do anything I want. I can go anywhere, and accomplish anything. Hell I can do that now as lost as I am. But it would be better to establish more before I go. I need to continue my walks. They feel good and right now, but I know in a week I'll feel lazy again, and I have to fight that shit. I have to fight satan. I have to fight the evil that keeps me down. Talking with a professional will help, but I can't expect that to fix everything. It's not going to. It's going to be a long ass road with a lot of hills. I hate hills. I hate walking up them, but in terms of personal strength, I'm ready. I'm ready to move forward.

He may or may not be at my side in a legitimate way. If not it's ok. Feeling like he could be, makes me feel stronger. Knowing how good he is and how terrible I've been just makes me want to fight myself. It could better him, but it's not for him, it's for me. If he's interested because of that work, then that's cool, but it's just a bonus, not the goal.

There is no goal. Self improvement and constantly learning and building is the best thing to take out of life. Living life. Being one with the world and knowing you can do anything in it. I'm gonna make my own happiness and if He's a part of that, great, but it's not the goal.

Writing feels good. Keep it up. Keep it up all week, everyday write a little bit for yourself and a little bit for your project. Start with yourself for now. Keep you blogger going and don't give a shit who reads.

Don't sabotage yourself.  Be a warrior, fight hard, get the war face and fucking show it at the evil in your life. Don't be a victim. Be a hero. Embrace your gift. Share it. Be a writer, that's who you are.

the beginning is the end is the beginning?

It's over. There's no going back now. he's hit the wall, and you hit yours too. You could work on yourself and rekindle, but is it really worth it? Are you sure that even with hard work you can trust each other? He can't trust you. He doesn't know if that's possible anymore. Generally speaking, that means it's over. He doesn't trust your motivation. You need to make it your own. don't think about how it will affect him because it doesn't matter anymore. it's not the job, or the house or the money, it's the two of you together. my heart is so broken. I did it to myself. I should have realized and jumped. Now it's too late. there is no glimmer of hope. It's only you now. you just have yourself to worry about. you just have you and no one else. you have to love you and know that you are who you are and be who you are.