The Pixies, LOUD.

I'm really happy today because I can fit into some pants I haven't been able to for a while.

I've been really sad about Andrew lately, and it helps to not think about it. I'm trying to find myself a distraction and keep myself busy. I've been doing yoga, sticking to my diet and working on my shit. I'm proud as hell of myself.

To celebrate I got a german meat sandwich with butter, two bee stings and a plum tart.

I'm gonna have a tasty day if nothing else. The fitting into the pants gave me a boost in confidence that makes me not wanna do anything but have a good time. I don't know where the good times are! They certainly aren't here.

I want Portland to work. I want to discover and play and explore. I want to meet people I want to dive in. I wanna keep up with my good life changes. I wanna smoke weed. I've been thinking about what I want in a man too. Things that I'm not so stoked on with andrew. Things I'm not gonna miss. Sleep is difficult. It's ok. I'm feeling better lately and that's good stuff.

I'm just proud of my shit. Proud of my work paying off

The job interview that didn't happen... yet

They're rescheduling my interview. I know I didn't do anything wrong but I'm still disappointed. I studied and prepped so hard. I was so ready. Only a tiny bit nervous, but confident. It's ok. I'm still on for Wednesday and I'll be rescheduled. The job still starts on the same day and I have an opportunity to look patient. Which I'm totally not, but can learn again.

I'm just disappointed.

It's just so cold.

Maybe that's what he needs but it's pretty fucked up.

Tofu and really losing things good in life...

I just don't know what to do with myself. Tofu is gone. Sweet Tofu. She was in so much pain and now she's not. It's so weird without her here. She's always been happy to see me and the lovey headbutts, and the tofu time and the no fun with out tofu, and what is it tofu and you scared em off girl, good job. All of it. Gone. It's sad. I didn't think I would be as sad as I am. I'm totally relieved for her, but I'm sad for the loss.

I've had so many fabricated shitty feelings in my life in the last few years that it's interesting to really feel the sadness of real sadness. Real loss and betrayal or abandonment or fear. The unknown is scary shit. But there's been a lot of hope too. It's just really hard to see sometimes.

There's been a lot of loss lately. Lots of doors closing. Not many windows following. There's a good chance with Airbnb. Legit. That's my one ray of hope at the moment. But I don't know what I'm going to do when I get there. That's the scariest fucking part. If I do get it, I know exactly what to do and that part of life is fine, but now... omg. The craziest of unknowns is upon me. I'm going to leave friends behind, not as far this time at least, but starting over is good. Saying goodbye is good too.

Andrew weighs on my mind heavily, but not in the ways he used to. I just miss the good things now and am really beginning to understand why this is so good for both of us. I really look around and see that he has no action moving on his plan. He's still got a car in pieces. He's got a lot of garbage and bull shit built up. My shit is contained and ready to move out. I'm ready to go, I just have no finances. I will soon enough. And I'll know soon enough on what I'm going to do.

Airbnb would be a tremendous new start for me. I've realized that I have the ability to do something incredible. I have the opportunity really help people in shitty situations that need decisions made. I can pull those punches. That's such an adult job. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Plus the benefits and pay are comparable to what I currently get. Then there's the added benefit of breakfast and lunch and I guess sometimes dinner too. Happy hour, networking, team building, fun while working hard, actually. I'm going to put together my interview preparedness notes and kill it. I'm getting out of this town. I'm getting out of this rut.

I'm so excited to discover a new city and people and things to do. I want to find a passion I love beyond baking. I want to create something else more tangible. Writing get's it all out, but I want to make something. I'll have a great chance to do that.

But even with writing, I can become a travel writer. That would be amazing. I have so many places I want to go now, the opportunities presented are amazing. I can stay in the most elaborate or tiny place. I can still try to go to East Berlin. I can meet friends in new places, maybe even get a place that's big enough to host myself. Get new things to make my house a home and a lovely place to be. Something I'm proud to call home. I've felt so grossed out by the way Andrew and I have lived that I'm really ready to make my space happy and healthy.

The other switch.

I haven't really been receptive lately. I need to remember I'm not the only one dealing with shit. He is too. I feel bad for being such a brat, but now I can show that I'm not that person and start to find myself again. He's got a lot more on his plate than I do. He's not so much a planner, but rather a last minuter. And that's cool for him, but not for me. I'm happy that I have plans. I'm happy I have support and friends and family that care. I'm glad I'm walking on my own and going to therapy and embracing it! My therapist was really happy with how I've utilized my worksheet. He was surprised at how negative it was at first and how I talked myself out of it through writing it out. I'm taking the right steps to get good with myself and set my life up for happiness. I don't need a man, and I don't need anyone but myself. I feel like I've been wanting to start over for a long time, and now's my chance. I'm actually pretty excited about it. I think for a long time I've been unhappy and happiness is out there for me. I think I've driven him away, and it's understandable, it's inevitable for a situation like ours. It's ok. I'm doing alright. I need to stop trying to be so nice to him. He's right, I shouldn't be so accommodating, but I can't help it. I still really care and there's no ulterior motive and we've split. I don't really wanna snuggle him anymore. And I'm ok with not hugging him today. I would rather he reach out if he wants. I'm always going to want to while I'm around him, and I have to control myself. Tomorrow is going to be hard for him, whether he believes that or not. I will be here for him, but it's not going to change anything. Plans have been set into motion. I'm ready to gtfo, regardless if it's Portland or Kent. I'm definitely nervous about what I'm going to do about a living situation in Portland, but I know I can figure it out. At least the first week would be in San Fran, but I'll still be broke as hell. Transitions are difficult, but make you stronger. I'm gonna bounce back so hard from this it's going to be amazing. I can see it now. Even if I don't get that job, which I truly feel for the first time that I've got this, that living with Sara would be a great thing for me too. I'll miss my Tacoma friends, but I'll still get to see them. I know that once I get settled, wherever it may be, I'll feel better about life. I kind of already do.

He's so done with me.

I know he doesn't care anymore. He's finding it increasingly difficult for me to deal with this. I can't help myself from trying to talk about my feelings. He's sleeping on the couch now it bothers him or me so much. I have to think of him as a roommate and not as an ex lover. It's just too hard otherwise. All I keep thinking is that the last 6 years meant nothing because he's moved on so soon. I have too many personal problems and he doesn't want to stick around for that anymore. Now that I'm working on it, he's done. "It took this for you to get there. You were too complacent." So I guess that's it. I was too complacent therefor there's no need to care anymore. No need to deal with the unknown and just move forward into it. I so don't want this. I want to work it out. There's no need for that want anymore. I have to erase him from my heart like he did to me.

Just Sad.

I spent a lot of good time going over my worksheet yesterday, like 3 or 4 times. I worked out a lot of the jealousy involved in the situation and while it's still there it's not as prominent.

Now I'm just sad because I know it my heart that it's all over. It's just sad to think that this has come to an end this way. It's not as bad as it could be, but it's still uncomfortable. It would be so much easier if either of us could just bolt and be out of each others space. There are times when we do that, but knowing he's in the basement makes me weak and want to go to him and hug him non-stop.

Thinking about it makes my skin burn. Thinking back on all the conversations we've had and all my attempts to continue working on it because now it's all out in the open just makes me sad. I know it can't be that way and us move forward in the ways we need to. I know that we can't snuggle and be split. The whole thing makes me dizzy and want to go hide in bed.

I can't do that. I have to keep going and look to the future. I have to stay positive and focused on what happens for me next. Airbnb is a huge goal that I think I have a super chance at getting. I keep reviewing what they've sent me to review and what they've spelled out as their process. I'm excited and nervous about meeting them tomorrow, but know I can make a smart impression and give them the sense I belong there. I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to discuss my future but I'm interested to see if I make it to the next round. If I do and I make it through that round, I'm in.

I need this win. I've been thinking about it for a long time and finally decided to go for it. Now that I'm looking into it and reviewing the possibilities, I feel more than just hopeful for the future. If I get hired on, I plan to travel, alone if necessary, to visit areas of the world I never thought I could get to. The other thing that's cool, is that it's all about the sense of community. If I get this, I'm about to jump into a world of community and connections. I'm a social person who loves to meet and mingle. This just feels like a great opportunity to reconnect with myself in that way. To be less of a shut in and more of a reach out. The idea of taking on Portland is exciting because of all the different vintage shops. I could redefine my style and get myself back in that way too. Being in the corporate slog, all my clothes are super business-y now and I don't have much fun casual attire. I want to be a stylish girl again with funky patterns that don't match but totally work.

Discovering a new city in general just sounds refreshing. The ability to create new memories and meet new people and discover things I enjoy that I never even considered just makes me feel like it's so close. C'mon universe. Let's make this happen and create a new life. I need a new life, new town, new job, new purpose.